little messes

i was really needing to switch things up a bit here at little messes. and all my hours of css debauchery have finally paid off. ok, it doesn’ t look like much but i am no wiz with the code, so it was a bit trickier than i was hoping.

any way on to kath’s spt challenge for feb. all of me.

two things i sometimes complain about:

1. i always have dark circles under my eyes. like, always. sure, there are times i don’t notice these babies, but somehow they always shine on in photographs.

2. i am always cold. always. i thought that in being raised in the winter wiles of new hampshire i would have escaped this fate, but alas, i am constantly bundled with toes frozen, while jeff struts down the avenue in a t-shirt and staypress.

ay, me. at least i have my obsessive knitted woolens to comfort the blow.

there are moments in one’s history that are sometimes difficult to look back on, but these roads have such important value in a life. almost three years ago i was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia. sort of a bad day that one. over the next four months as i was quarantined to a small rectangular room for three separate stays that each lasted the better part of a month, i was left to contemplate my life and history… there were things that i was proud of, things that made me cry, things that made me laugh so hard it hurt, an extraordinary group of family and friends, and there were things about my path that held much regret. i felt that i had played so many things too safe in my life. rather than really search for what is was i was meant to be doing i tended to find a place and just stick it out too afraid of taking a risk and maybe falling down.

through all the those days, beyond the pain, the side effects of chemotherapy, the anxiety of a sickness, the loneliness, the exhaustion, the fear of losing my fight with cancer, the fear of letting down my friends and family in the process, beyond all this, there was the fear that i would make it through and go back to living my life as i was before… not taking advantage of this time that had been given me. a quiet time. one that, to be honest, sometimes made me crazy. my one true saving grace was my daily walks around the ward. i wasn’t permitted to go outside the double set of doors, i had to wear a mask and gloves and drag around an i.v. pole that to my delight was labelled “The Colleague”. but jeff and i and my colleagues would walk that circle countless times each night, laughing and joking as if we were strolling through mccarren park on our way to enid’s for brunch.

and then just over a year after my diagnosis, many months after my bone marrow transplant, when i had gained back most of the weight, the strength, not to mention the hair. i took the plunge. i found a job i’d dreamed about, married a man i love so dear, moved away, bought a house and began to once again “make” stuff. and i’m closing in on three years of remission.

sometimes the road we travel drops us off in a dark corner we’re not quite ready for, but this darkness, when explored can give us the best gift of all. a new life forward.

i’ve always been a fan of santa. i liked his look, his beard, his enormous belly o’ jelly. we shared a love of cookies… and although i’m not much of a widdler but anyhow, i loved him. my sister however, not a fan. well, sure she like presents and such but sitting on a fat stranger’s lap was never so appealing.

here’s the proof. my lovely momma gave me a few photos for christmas of my sister and i’s rendevouz avec mr. claus.

i just love these, you can really see her grow more at ease with time.

the view from above. on our way out to tucson and i wasn’t sure i ever wanted to come down.

only things just got better. happy new year to all.

sunday night and taken by jeff as i knit up my new scarf (not quite done) and watched the final installment of the National Geographic “Guns, Germs and Steel” dvd. For anyone unfamiliar, lookie here. This series aired on pbs a few months ago, although being without any tv reception we weren’t able to watch it. thanks be to netflix.

what i got so far:

has fall already abandoned us? when my alarm goes off at six am i can usually get myself right up and into the shower. not today. i was convinced it could not yet be morning because there was not an ounce of light in the windows. not a peep of the ol’ morning rays. i checked three clocks before i believed what my alarm was only too eager to tell me.

even henry looked confused as i fed him his breakfast and let him out to pee in the moonlight:

i just couldn’t get motivated. so here’s some bedraggled shots of me trying to get myself together and off to the train:

what’s going to happen to my world when the clocks fall back another hour. i love the fall but this is bringing me down.