little messes

today my little sister turned 31. i don’t think i can explain how insane it is to write that down. my little sister friends, is no longer so little.

having someone who shares your daily routine for the formative years of your life is just so kooky. someone who really knows you, who really sees you at your best and worst. someone who would do anything to make you smile and who on occasion made you cry. someone who will be there. always.

we didn’t always get along. we didn’t always agree, but we always loved each other to the core. there’s just no way to write how much this little lady means to me. so i’ll just say happy birthday sister. i sure love you to pieces and wish i was closer and able to take you out for a nice long dinner. soon. soon.

we’ve been doing some rearranging and renovations round these parts. finally. the last renovation we took on was a year ago in september, the kitchen. we had just returned from a visit out west to see dear friends in portand and seattle when i announced to jeff, “We must redecorate the kitchen!”. to which the smartest man on the planet replied, “maybe we should finish one of the other rooms we’ve already started” as i ran out of the room with my fingers in my ears. I had somehow convinced myself that the renovation i had in mind; (i.e. new paint on walls, new paint on cabinets, new countertop, new sink) would be finished in two weekends. yeah, i’m a dummy. it’s was over 3 months and actually i still need to put the molding up around the backsplash, but no matter! we’re on to the dining room.

when we first bought our house just over 3 years ago, we spent the first year going from room to room and stripping 100 years of wallpaper off the plaster. most of the rooms we tackled are now sitting pretty from follow-up renovations a few years back, but the dining room, well, she’s been a touch neglected over the years.

so this is where our friend j comes in, because we realized we will never find the time on our own to patch all the plaster and prime and paint, good ol’ j has come in to get the ball rolling. i’m so flipping excited. i can’t wait to share what becomes of our dark green & brown dungeon. three cheers for j!

and just so i can get some photos into this rambling post, here are a few corners of the home from this beautiful saturday morning.

have you seen this new addition to flickr? the library of congress has joined with flickr to place bunches of photos with “no known copyright restrictions” from their enormous collection online. these photos of the 1930s/40s are killing me, they are stunning. the richness of color, ack! so gorgeous… have a peek

or view look at the full offerings here

another year under my belt. today i am older. 33 big ones. older. much older than 32 to be sure. i can feel it deep down. older. the good kind of older where wisdom seems to lie, although perhaps a bit of the bad kind of older felt when one, hmmm…. like when i jumped rope like mad one day, after not jumping rope since i was like 10 and that’s when the older bad part sets in… but not immediately. instead it sneaks up on you in the night, when you get up for a quick dark trip down the hall to the loo and you realize you can barely walk… that kind of older. older and better they say. older and wiser too. i’ll take them both. a few years ago i wasn’t sure i’d make it past 28 but here i am at 33. yip yip. hooray for older. hooray for mothers and fathers and husbands and sisters and friends and pups and good eats and wine and cheese and a good fish taco. hooray for older. hip hip hooray.

i recently had the pleasure of being let loose inside an abandoned 1830’s building here in baltimore. the top floor once served as a brothel with little tiny rooms running the length of the hall. adrienne and i could have spent an entire week in that space i’m sure. the layers of time inside that space gave us goosebumps. have a look.

decay within decay, an old piano inside an abandoned dollhouse inside an abandoned house.

see the whole set here

so it was that on dec 11th i turned yet another year older. i look upon each year with renewed possibilities and am surely thankful i’ve made it another 365 intact.

i was even lucky enough to spend the weekend in nyc, visiting friends, selling stuff and of course eating. jeff even treated me to a new pair of winter boots that i’ve been pining over ever since i saw them over at swiss miss, thanks tina!

it wasn’t too rushed a trip and we had seemingly endless walks through our old stomping grounds. and i got to have brunch with susan and meet barry, which was definitely a highlight.

even coming back home to a ridiculously tight deadline on a big project has wiped the smile from my face. and after a quiet dinner with friends and some lavendar-laced hot chocolate, it was a very special birthday indeed.

i got realeased today and am now home. safe and sound. at least physically. i’m a bit shell shocked to be honest and really freaked out. but ok. it’s just such a hard transition to be watched every minute of the day. to be monitored. and then just set free into the wiles of the city as if nothing ever happened. i know i’m ok and that i’m going to be ok, but my chest still tightens if i think to much about what has transpired since friday morning.

jeff and i just went for a little walk down the avenue and i had to keep focusing on my breathing so i didn’t fall apart. i just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and the rest of this clot to all of a sudden break away from it’s temporary home in my thigh and join it’s friends in my lungs. my doctor iterated the seriousness of this occurence this morning. he said, i know that you’ve been feeling mostly well while you were here, but you need to know that clots that size in your lungs would have killed most people. and if it weren’t for the all my years in sports i would most likely not be here.

i was floored. stunned. it’s just hard to hear something like that and then say, “ok, i’m out and home and ready to go to the park with the dog”. i’m tired, i’m afraid. but i am ok. and very very happy and lucky to still be here in this beautiful world.

thanks so much to everyone for the very kind wishes. it has helped more than you know. thank you thank you thank you.

i actually got a bit of sleep last night. thanks to the small dose of adavan. sleep in the hospital in impossible. there are people coming in and out of the room incessantly. here to poke and prod either my roommate or i. how invasive the visit depends on the habits of the nurse or aid on duty. some will come in and without warning just flip on the overhead flourescents others will quietly announce themselves and use the bathroom light as their guide. each night at 10pm i am given meds, then at 12am i’m given a shot of blood thinner in my belly (it stings, ouch), then at 6am, they take my vitals, take my blood for the day, and give me an ekg. then at 8am vitals again (new aide) and most of the day i am left to my own devices.

there are so many things here that begin to eat away at the edges of a person. making you feel more like a lump of meat in a bed. it’s not everyone, but some people act as if you’re not even human. just a “duty” of their day. yesterday my ekg was like this. the aid came in (i was sleeping), she flipped the lights on, immediately pulling off my blankets and pillows. she said she was here for the ekg, walked to the end of my bed and without a word grabbed my hospital gown and whipped it up to my neck. so i lay exposed as if i don’t exist, or might be uncomfortable. she stuck on the little prongs on my legs and chest and did her test. when she was done, she removed the prongs and left me exposed, without any blankets and pillows. just alone and naked, lights on. i pulled my gown down and had to get out of bed (which i’m not really supposed to do) to get my blankets.

i always leave the hospital feeling in some way that i have lost a bit of myself. my private self. you have to separate yourself from your body to not fall apart. your body just becomes the thing that needs tests and injections and blood drawn and your inner self, you just sit back and wait for what’s to come.

and when i get home i feel a little more guarded with my body. a little more nervous and disassociated. i hate that. i’m trying not to let that happen this time. it takes so long to wash away all the clinical eyes and hands. so that my body feels like it is solely my own property again. that i can control who touches me and when.

i wish i could post this now. i’m so lonely and somehow the idea of sending this off into the ether makes me feel not so alone. maybe later today i’ll find a number that can dial-in.

usually by friday afternoon i’m well on my way to the weekend. i planned to spend some time finding some space for the 36 bulbs that i dug up with my friend lynne last weekend. Sherwood Gardens, this insanely beautiful tulip garden in Baltimore and they replant all new tulips every year, so obsessive gardening folks like lynne and i can go dig up all the bulbs we can muster for 25 cents a piece. oh joy!… so back to the unlucky side of things. earlier this week i started having pain in my leg. at first it seemed to be more on an “ouch i shouldn’t have played soccer without stretching kind of pain”, then it just wouldn’t go away. it got worse and worse. i had an appointment on thursday and she thought things looked fine but recommended i have a sonogram to rule out a blood clot.

friday morning i made my way to the radiologist’s office and as soon as the technician touched the wand to my leg i knew something was wrong. there was an instant barrage of questions. how long have you had the pain? where does it hurt? how does it feel? what medications are you on?…

i had a blood clot. a big one. they could see it deep in my femoral vein, it ran from my groin all the way past my knee into my calf. full. “significant” is what they kept saying. “it’s significant”.

so next i was admitted to a local hospital through the emergency room and sent for a cat scan to make sure that none of the clot had broken off and gone to my lung. pulmonary embolism. not what they’d like to find. but my lungs sounded clear. my heart rate and blood oxygen normal. and so we waited for many hours for them to come get me for the scan. it was over quite quick, just a quick dip in some radiation. and i, feeling more relaxed knowing i felt fine besides the ache in my leg. so i’m waiting in my little room in the ER, waiting for them to come give me the good news and let me know what the next steps are and i’m ready to go home…

not quite the way it happened. they come in and say those two words. pulmonary embolism. and not just one, two. bilateral, one on each side. nice and even. nice. so now it’s a whole new ballgame. i’ve been admitted. i’ll be here through the weekend at least. i am really hoping i can go home soon.

the room, the bed. they are all too familiar. from 3 years ago. i just celebrated my 3 year remission of leukemia. i was thinking things were looking up with this body. and now the same week, 3 years later i’m back in the hospital. the food is better here than it was the last time. the tv is cheaper although i have yet to activate it. and now i’m trying to stay calm and not fall apart. telling myself that this is just another challenge. another thing i can overcome. and yet there is a lump at the back of my throat. my chest is tight with anxiety. and they keep asking me if i’m having trouble breathing. i can’t tell sometimes if it’s the anxiety or my body really having a hard go of it. but i’m trying to laugh and breathe and know that this too will pass and again i will be on the other end of some trauma. but still ok.

so today is the 3 year anniversary of the day i was diagnosed with leukemia. it’s such a blur really and i can’t believe it’s been so long. some days it seems like it never even happened, and then there are days when it seems so close. the fear and paranoia everywhere. i spent the last two days trying to keep a migraine at bay… wondering all the while if it’s from the nerves associated with this day. but geez, three years and so here i am. jeff asked me what i would have thought of this day, did i ever imagine i’d be where i am. so funny. i never would have thought i’d be in baltimore, never thought i’d be a homeowner with a gardening obsession. and maybe never thought i’d feel so full of life as i do this year.

so today i had my own mini celebration in my studio. feeling inspired but the lovely skirt amy made, i whipped up this little a-line:

here’s a detail of the pocket:

it’s already wrinkly and worn because you know i had to put it on immediately.

and now i am just quietly thankful for this day. which helps to serve as a reminder of my past and my present and my hopefulness for a long and bright future.